Funny Poem I Found

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.

(This is not my poem! I found it at multiple sites throughout the web and giggled all the way through it!)

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

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Ms. Fix-It!

Sadly I didn’t get any pictures, but several months ago I had a “do as I say, not as I do” moment and threw a toy in the house, into the playroom. Well, it hit the wall and made a small hole (my boys have lots of metal cars and airplanes which are pretty heavy for their size). Of course I am a bit of procrastinator, especially when it comes to stuff I don’t know how to do (in this case, patch up a hole in the drywall), so it wasn’t until I began to seriously consider moving to a new rental within our neighborhood that I got off my tail-end and fix the hole.

A couple days ago, while the big boys were making their little wood-working project at Lowe’s (we attend every event because it’s free, and my boys are learning valuable skills in following directions, using tools, and all that other manly stuff), I wandered over to the paint area where, HOORAY, I found a patch kit. I plugged up the hole that night, and this morning I went back to get paint to cover the patch.

Considering we live in a ramshackle dump owned by a slumlord (things we did not know at the time we decided to rent this place), my not-as-pretty-as-I-hoped patch job actually matched other patches the slumlord’s brother-in-law or cousin or whoever she calls her “handy man” did before we moved in. So yay!

I’m excited that I learned a new skill! With practice (and there are other holes the slumlord didn’t fix before we moved in), I think I could get pretty good. Well, maybe not.

And now, we pray hard about the two houses we’re thinking about renting. Moving is hard, even if it is just a block over, but then again, I’m not sure I want to stay in a house where, shortly after we moved in we discovered the refrigerator didn’t work properly and instead of investing in a new refrigerator, the slumlord moved the fridge from her other rental into our house. And now, less than a year later, this one is slowly warming up, even with both the fridge and freezer set to maximum cold and the doors not being opened frequently. That’s only the tippy-top of the iceberg of everything wrong with this house, but I don’t want to list everything. I want to move, but it has to be in the Lord’s timing (and Dave kind of has to be willing to move too, boo).

Sorry for the huge gap, but we have been busy so far this summer! Between church/VBS and homeschooling, I’ve hardly had time to sleep, let alone write blog posts! But I will write more on homeschooling later (it has been a blast and I pray daily that I can convince my husband to let me do it officially next year).